Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
