What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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