The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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