Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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