i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
40s are totally the cure
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
