I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
