Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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