I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They have beer where we have blood.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
