You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
