i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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