its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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