I met the friendliest cop last night
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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