I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
