I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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