Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
