I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
