Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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