How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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