i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
