He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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