dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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