That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
porn star boner night. come get it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
