I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
