I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
