Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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