i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
