all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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