The maid of honor just puked.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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