hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
