Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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