We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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