you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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