you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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