is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
