He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
