I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
