We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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