its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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