Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel great
I just peed on a car
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
