They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
