Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this beer tastes like vomit already
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
