me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
