What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
