I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
