there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
