That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
