also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
