Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
