these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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