Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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