please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
