my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
