Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
