Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think my moral compass just broke
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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