i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
