Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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