I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
